gi~f/t

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i could use the free de ? vice at house industries, photo lettering-a-gain- for free apparently too lo ok up o/n e, but eye / i wouldn't be considered (0) 0rigin al(l) if i used you-r-e-assemble-d im-age f/0re f/re e "c"-as-t-0n/e- neigh the spectacle, "t-(h)-ink-s"0n e me all s~0we -t-he-t-i'm-e-/me-mit-t-b-re-ad-s-and "breaths"

i was speaking with sam at work, rather he was talking with me, he waxes poetic effortlessly about the job as a machinist is to constantly learn, and that you can go anywhere in the world with this skill: that any one can push buttons, but to make the device, the t0~0'le, that is the master c/r/a~ft 0' life.

p.s. this is a screen shot of my computer desktop, where i logged, well, the communique in scope, however, as you can see it is a mess and enough time has passed to be a mess to me... and sow e g0

i stopped producing online after z-ack-t- didn't give me my money from machighway.com, as he said he would, a lot like paul drinan says he has work for me, asks me to get a ladder stabilizer, and i do and give him the receipt, and what do i get for HEARING his word to me, i/s-him- craftily, being image imp-aire-d-, keeping my money, for anything he can "i.d.-en-t-i-f-ye- all-s-ow/e-go-t'-c-ar-t-e-

a/rt-fi-c-i-ally-e-alt-he-t-i'm-e- on my h0/ne st con si de/r ate i/0n e t hat was be s/p0 ke n.

paul's "action" ring a -i- n universal con un dr/um, he is intent on beating for no reason, t-0-(w/-)n-e-

it is as if to say, i have no right to think 0riginally e (as-s- "he" didn't apparently provide the w/-hey-e- f0r/m/e all~s~0w/e in the lig ht 0 d~aye

t0-t-0w/e-the-w/-ea-sel-l0-w/e-

its a p-i'm-p-t-r/i-c-k-

he never g/ave con si de/r ate i/on's a w/i fi t/here 0r t/heir in my reflection, yet  -artificially- claims my at ten t~i/0n e tu-b/e- t-h'u(e)se-d-up-(e/e)-c-up-

paul wouldn't give a shit if i kept my thoughts to myself, which i did, for quite a while, then i up loaded the conversation on line, what, year/s after, (per www.preem0.com) not specifically to retribute pauls l-"eye's". obviously i still don't feel good about this c-rook and it is a mo r(e) all issue, too the address, to not let him "thinK" -2- go-on-e-like t-his- para-dice-

so what happened when i realized rich in all his creative in-f-am-e'ye- communicate-d- with z-ack-t-, z-ack-t- didn't keep his word to return my money as he previously stated, and i saw how a-rt-i-fi-c-i-all-y/e-as-ye- it is to t-urn- t-i'm-e- a-gain-st- me, with "2" "m/en" b-ro/ad-si.-d.e- all-s-0w/e- g-0- (a.d.)-e/b-t-he-t-i'm-e-

so i can listen to what they say, and they can turn it against me, without delay. it's a "2-fer" so-rt-a-t/hing-e-, t-h'ey-e- don't h/ave to/o look back, and t-h'ey-e- can keep t-heir-e-c/our-age- in-n-t/act- a/nd- 0/n-e-t-he-t-ra(-i-)te-pat-h-bu-ye- miss-ta-ke- f0r-eve-r-e-solve-d-am-i/r-acl-e-pt-may-ke-

if i abide their word as they say, and can c/all out they are not abiding it as they say to me, t-hey-e- can t-u/r-n-it-rite-2-w/-hey-e-tu-t(h)-rue-

protected by the im age 0' his tor eye of reflection e too the too -k-ompetition is the e.g.ear-s-e-g-w/-h'ey-e-to pro vi de mo re "protection" for no reason too-t-he-ad-aye-

20/20 i/s t he n0-n0t 0/n e cue

t-heir -e-t-heir- has not representation with a re all a miss o/n e fi re~ the en gi/n e~ just b.c. s~et u 2 d0 w/(h)it h/in d's i. de & 0ut a g/gain st bu ye de si re all s~0we

i.d.en t~i t~ye p.r.0 vi. d. i.d., the 'den' & 't' are fxf~r/act i 0n e = den/t all e.g. t~f x f ly e fxf 0r/(e)/t 0/m e in/n t0/0 th e. be gi/n/n 2 an0 t/here p(L)ay & p(L)ace~

the whole shroud of silence lent to me with no one to talk 2 or with, is the ri-b-ald virtuousity of c-o-ver-t-i/ng-w/-hup- w/hat i/s t~inn her rent as said value t0 0le the trust di vi/ne the make/r~

p.s. rich at house makes shapes of letters, but the letters in and of t-heir-e-sel-l-f-x-f- are not a value t0 me all s~0we. he pushes the butt-on-s-, and i craft the t0 0'le. just thought i would let you know, and if i l0 0k on those "let ta(-i-)re's" on my own page, seen somewhere else (that was not made by the may/care) ea-r-n-ed- in his "time" just the same, meant to me apparently, i am penalized across the l-a/n-d- too-t-he-for-t-his-as-s-i/r-e-all-e/a-ven- ag-gain- st-e- t-i'm-e-de-sign-e-d-too-t-he-pre-ven-t-0/n-e-

it is "like" saying, look at me, and do not speak rationally, as if my ration all, i/s tu/b e t/h' o(w/-)ne-d-at/e-a-miss-take- too the w/-his-per-ring- for no reason b aye b/be-in-t-rust-ye- as "we" lame-mean-t- "1" w/-hat-a-pi-t-ye- "4" nothing of value apparently e-a/s-t-e-a. r/0 u/nd 2 s/c re am ~

as per paul, and his theatrical melt-d-own, for no reason except to re-place- f-rom-e-, that "kind" of narcissim is not tolerated on my f/ace. in con text and re solve, and consideration of the circumstances i was under and over on "h-i-/s" jobsite, "i/t" is dangerous. a dangerous narcissistic display, that i think he would be embarrassed and ill defined 0 pen ly e see/n as ty e h0-b-by-e-too-the-get-a-way-e-a-ven-(-t-)d's-

so i have fig.ured that i am meant to exist freely to look upon as if you provided the value you sig/ht as the way t' freely e x i/s t all sowe. so i am not asking for m(e)on~e'ye 2 support me, however, i will use the money i make the way i want in f/act.

the fact that i think these thoughts didn't hap pen over "a" night, yet some pee-pull- "think" b-ring-i/ng-ad-verse-city- a-war-e- on me is the way to "help" me as if what is inn/her/en/t has t' been e' all the t i'm e, c-over-d-bu-ye-crime-ta-ke- & p-ass-t/he-mistake- a- way-e- "his-tor-eye-c-all-ye-"

i'm getting a head of myself, so lets see if i can clean my desk top in an orderly fashion e t/here spec/t fully e . g.r0w/ h~act u ally e w/t i'm e a.d. fi/n e

let's start here, this is where the 'bein g ugly stupid and weak is not the solution' postcard advertising 's~0w/e you~r 0at at www.richroat.haus, then www.richroat.is : delivered to residence and businesses in del law ea/r (t), and just residence in por t? lan d?, & p.o.b. in tor r/(e)ye

rich thinks this info i have revealed is pointless struggles, i think his "house" is for house-i/ng- i-g-no-ran-c-e- 0-pen-l-ye-w/(h-)u/e-in-n/it-

im-age f/ou~r image t0g e t/h~er e

you can freely e p-(l-)ay-e- the par-t- you ho'l-d-ea-r-e- st-0re- t-here- w/it m(e)ye a/r t a fxf act 0/m e~a.d. e/b t0/n e t'l~i/n~e*

gi~f/t c0m f0r t able at fxf r/u i/t app(ea)le t0 me at mas/st p'0 le a.d.~aye.g.~a i/n/n s/av~e ye'0re in f(L)ave 0/r t u/p 0/n e've i/n/n e* t~he t r/ave l~e/r's 0/f t/en

what got you hear was you left me to fi x your art-i-f-act-you stub-born-l-ye at my back as t-he-mo-re- just "b.c." squatting for no reason is all you k-n/o-w-e-, were you tired of me complaining on you? i am t ire -d- of- ew/e- com-plain-i-/n-g- on e me t0/0 ----due-t-"2" me f -x- f-or-t-u- pat-r/i-arc-h(e-)y-app-raise-sin-g-ro(-0-)ve-

s-tub-born- you don't have the rig ht to (w/) ho ne st ly e b a/p t i ze~d i/n/n

t-his- is pretty easy to rig-, like paul lo-ok's-on- another "man" aka the po-lice man, to do his bus-i-ness with me, to c/are-r/ye- his mess-age-to me in re all i t~ye f-x- for-t-he's-hi'm-, it is not an after thought paul didn't think to be re all at the time given (by me) which would all sowe include considering me among the 'we'

what he d-i.d.- w/(h-)as calculated, to redeem his "posit-i/on-" for no reason. 

and he was willing to cut the nose of his apparent business to spite his core self, aka co-re-, because that is where he went inside his f & f, framework and fretwork, to-e-vain-at-be-st-e-,

now "y" is this my ass-fault to w/here his mess (of no duress on "him" use-u-ally-e-") if i t/im/e f0r/m/e, if he doesn't l/is/ten when i speak, or regard me f0r/m/e all ye.

his business is an r-use -t-(h)-rue- me tu b/e com -e- to/o-t-he-

he "chose" to "act" on me, on his own "t-i'm-e" volition-ally-e-, and he has "chosen" to continue to/o keep my money b.c. of what m(e)ye viability now me/ans 0 pen ly e to me, and he can't  re-deem- his f-i/r-st- de-s/i-re- to not regard me consciously as with rationally, as i/t isn't in his to ole box actually. it was his "choice" at the t i'm e. g.i've n(t)d's, too/th' over step the boundary of me working for him, so that he could benefit from me, and go his way "independently" ore independently as he may. he over stepped the boundary by speaking to me one way, and penalizing me for hearing him actually as/spoken to me. he is not his word, value in working worth. he is actually an insecure little d-rip- a n/d-

he can't use me continue-all(e-)ye- to get hi/s-way-e- the pro verb i all e pt bu/c~k, en d's h~ea/r ~e make.

he cut me off without teaching me his ways aka s-ways, so i could see the/m coming, and left me to make the most of it as i may, and i am returning the f ave same time as bespoken and the same way t.

make the best of it, dumb ass, wear my money and value of time the same, any which 0 w/aye

sharon is re-a/ct-i/ng to this b-a.d.-l-ye- w/hat-e/ve-r-t-

my suggestion is to get off your high-ho/arse-

r un e th' s/m0 k i/n g un d/er ate d' sel (l) f x f all t~t i'm e 0n fi re bu ye de si`re approbation e b/are by e hi re, ore k/no/t a w/a re tu pat h f0r/me a.r~t h ea. rt h

w(h)ile humans hem and haw about how to deal with the problems caused by d-r/one's-, b/i rd's take a mo/re s~t~rait f0re ward e all approach: d i'v e b/0m/b any -e-t(h-)ing-e- that lo-ok's like a t(h-)r/eat-e-. an e/ag/le has launched the lat e st at~t ac k on the invasive sp-e-c-ie-s-, successfully taking out a d-rone- ... at f i/r st, t hew/(h)edge te l/le d e ag le is just a spec k i/n the a di' stance... the e/ag/le is f x f ear less, flying s/t~ra(i)t (e) at the d-r/0ne- with c l/awe's 0ut~st retch-e D. while the c am er/a re mains fxf un ct i/0n e'a. l~l, the d-r/one- plum-met-s (-h-) out of the sky, spinning dizzingly before com/ing to rest on the for(e) rest flo~or e, bro-ken- a-nd- "a" l0an.

d-r/one- o-p/er-ate-tor's should hee d this pi l0/t's warning: if you see a b/i rd 0' p/r~ey e while f-ly-i/ng-. L a/n d. i h/ave added this to my operating pro see d u/r e 0n e c0mma nd~

i like this photo, i took a picture of it at a museum, you can not co-pi-p-rig-ht-0r-e-"copy-right" my sig h/t~ 0n sight and the illustrations i d/r/aw/e f/rom to me m0 & make rig ht without all the value le a.d. i/ng t0 me. the si lent that won't s peak on/e me tw/h0 mu/st be t heir e p0/in/t of vi ew/(h)e at he t i'm e.

just saying r-un-d-m-c-a- you h/ave n~0/rig i n'all ea.ven t~(h)us~s a/nd g/av~e y ea.r's~e.g. ea.r's/ave t'hin(e) d e/n~d 0/n e m'ye di me t00 th' ea ven s~0we in t r/u (e) st ew/e -d-ang-e-r- ove-r-use-all-t-mu/st-br0-0d-e-b/t-re-e-a/s-e-fer-e-f-rom-(e-)i/t-t-all-s-0w/e-g-0-ad-ta-to-ad-e/b-t0-r-ah- j-u-st-in-c-as-e-

t heir/e x t here i/s no ho/ne st con t/r~a ct on e t/hat 'h' i'll fora w/hi le~nt 2 you/r e be l~l ye t00 th' 0 b serve D. ? ail ? ye?

par t(h)e watt~a(i)re t ea.r/n~al/l~e nd's~e/n d's~et h/t e l~l e.g.g0 t'h'r0at mis~s tack~le 0/n e t'g0

tarot

been tired lately, yet able to see it thru, then go back to feeling really tired again, i keep trying to find something to bribe me by desire to work, or something. started going to the gym, 3 days in a row, kinda makes me tired but good.

should i be more industriously applying myself, or stay in stasis until i feel moved congruently , ore is congruent to/me w/hat c~h and e/b t/h~ave n 0 pen ly e ye/ i c/a~n (d)b~

(am i doing enough this way actually e)

tower

end of an era, what was solid, safe, established, has to alter, universe gives us no alternative but to move on, put bomb shell underneath something in world thought we could rely on. we like factors in life that are solid and straightforward, we build our talents fill with opinions use cement structure we make in our life to defend things feel threatened, and as we become self defensive, close self in and close self down and stop life from taking it where it needs to take us and often things that cling to the most that gives us the most pain but gives us the greatest liberation when realize it is time to leave our inner tower, tower of strength that is falling a part, while it may be painful is wonderful too, as it is chance to leave limiting factor in life, do not have to stay stuck where you were you can move on but you do not want to, resenting, rejecting, struggle to stay where you are with what you ve got, can't happen, there has to be movement, it doesn't mean you have to lose anything or kiss goodbye to anything, but what you do have to do is to shrug aside to be rooted to one spot and accept that change that is comming into your world, is change you should embracing and welcoming and making the very most of.

 

7 of wands

face a challenge = wands, = challenges,

7 is number of completion and fulfillment

7 wands = encouraging, something that is complete within it self

you completely in self have ability to rise to challenge,  every skill resource faculty every piece of immagination knowhow experience, youve got but you face something that will require all that you ve got,  ounce stamina emotional intellect, don't need outside help, nor deal with circumstances belong control, persevere and reach inside self and rise to determination can be successful with it.

 

9 of swords

no pain no gain

from pain can be gain, difficulty stress suffering anxiety hopelessness loneliness = golden purpose emerge with great sense of relief and assurance, first bitter medicine to swallow fact to learn the hard way, whether pain is physical or emotional, suffering, is taking you somewhere, good reassuring solid wonderful, point where you understand why a mistake was made, and why a course of action that seemed like a good course is not so good after all, once get over regret and incrimination there will be a new understanding that inspires uplifts and liberates, where been not so easy, where going is a fine place, lesson merit and advantage,  there will be great gain of current pain, will be permanent

 

summary

indian wandering yogi, people want to get close to the divine give up worldly possessions, go place to place begging food, let universe take care of themselves, only goal is to recognize divine in every situation they encounter and in every person they meet. yogi in story is starving, been a long time since anyone given scraps of food, in desperation, knocks on the door, handed lump of bread, sits under a tree, enjoy meal and give thanks to creator, a dog runs by and snatches the bread out of his hand, and shouts master creator thank you so much for taking the food from me to teach me another lesson, but let me catch up to give you some butter to go with that bread.  

 

it is a story that takes thinking about b.c. is represents a mindset that isn't familiar, if in a spiritual frame of mind, willing to surrender self to infinite, part of building that delicate relationship is to put yourself in position of humility and trust, even if it seems the one thing you want in the whole world is being snatched from you, you have to go with it for all it is hard to take.

 

it is very much now time to start looking at a situation in a different way, you have been thru the equivalent of the yogi that was given the bread and had it snatched away, you have taken some punishment from a world that has left you feeling isolated alone and as though circumstances have been imposed upon you a series of developments you didn't deserve and shouldn't have to suffer and now you find your self edging towards what could well be another set of circumstances that echo that first set.

 

so what can you do in the mean time, how can you turn all this around,  only one way have to decide if your life is in the lap of the gods, then you better be appreciative they are really gods and as gods they have a duty to protect and love their subjects, got to have more faith and not just in the divine and powers of random chance that sometimes appears to influence our lives, but  in your own entitlement to do well to succeed, to come out right, to get more bread, even if bread you just got has been snatched away from you. have that faith trust your self believe that you can make everything ok or that everything will be made ok for you if you do your bit, and despite all that seems to be working against you the most important thing(s) in life will happen in the write way f/0r~e you

 

i purchased this tarot reading yesterday 10/25/15. i do feel stuck. i feel the need / desire to finish my thought and brain angling enough, and construct the thoughts that also got off track bu-ye-s-love- t-d-uh-o/m-e- r-un-on-e-

 

i don't feel the need ultimately, and i have been going to the  gym every day doing a little workout that nonetheless is quite pertinent and effective to address the time off… then sleeping, then pandering in my dreams, where i can't find a way forward, because, i do not want to credit r-ich-s-le-e-ve-

 

t-hey-e- have played me out by witholding "&" casting the p-r-ig- in front of me, to further enhance my ? withholding opportunity e.  not happy about the connections "one" hubris "man" s-own onto another "one" to quickly dispense of m(e)ye a.s t/e r~e p(L)an~s

 

i am not happy. i don't believe in r-ich-et-c-  

i don't see a way forward yet. can i do it on my own, i think i can, yet, again, it is not to the credit of r-ich-a/nd- i am tired of the shenanigans, and think, the best way is to let t-hem -all- st-i-nk-

 

i've been thinking vaguely of starting a new website that requires payment to t/read

 

my main concern for me is not wasting away, numbly. unfortunately since the word is blatantly on r-ich-et-c- it is difficult to continue on my own and have it be read just s/owe

 

looking back, i do find r-ich's manuever full of  hubris, full of narcissism, using me over time to not think of me at all, but just to stint stink and ink on me tu-be-scene-  = basically his scene is his choice as desire to lie-n- to gain an advantage for no demonstrated reason e tu be, except to "look" the par-t- exceptionally e (without any dissuasion apparent l ye)

 

his stint to another "man" makes me think and dwell how much care i gave in his behalf and he actually reflected on very little of that, over yearS of being present. i have to say that is hard to swallow. except to say, now, i find myself without caring to care.

 

will i lose 'the battle' if i don't continue to p/ump out  of my tit for his insolence? honestly, i don't think so, not at this point. again my main concern is for me, i don't prefer to slouch however i don't see a way forward for me that would also provide him some viable relief, which he in f-a/ct- took from me to appease his de-s/i-re- for vanity -e-

 

and so i think at this time, to let s-him- where it out.

 

as it is, i am sleeping a lot, am going to the gym for minor workout, still throwing frisbee with mino which is great to do so, so late in october, and being inert for the most part.

 

yesterday, i thought i would finish, to catch up the last of the website transactions, with zach-t- the you now video, twitter spurts, but every time i remotely contemplated it, i got tired, AGAIN. i mean i took 3 naps yesterday, and piled on about 2 more, and went to bed early with sleep pills, slept late, and still at the same place, with more insights, i refuse to p(l)ace

 

i am trying to round to do it for me. well see.

the w/-h-0-le- t-ing-e- for r-ich-and-co-m-pan-(e-)ye- is witholding for no reason to be, & i have had enough and am content to leave them with their st-u/m-p-

 

On Oct 26, 2015, at 12:43 PM, Angela Cook <xubrnt@me.com> wrote:

i get to go to the salon for work at 4 today, and plan to throw frisbee and go to the gym prior. i think i want to do this for myself to stay current in my e w/(h)eal(l)th e

 

i was thinking you know the sum, it is like i am cast down from "man" as if i can't provide for 2 e~ve (i)n

 

jea.louse-per-h-ap-s-e-

 

i was thinking you know the sum, it is like i am cast down from "man" as if i can't provide for 2 e~ve (i)n t0/ g0~ve

 

"men" are embarrassing l-ye- s-imp-le specim-e-n-s-

 

anything else, avesta rumbling with an invoice for a 50 lockout fee/ fob replacement, however, my door wasn't locked nor needed to be unlocked, and i was told it cost 5 dollars to replace. waiting on that. if it does go to court, there are so many disgruntled people hear, i suspect i can get them all to testify to the inept draconian ways of charlotte and avesta, over running t-heir-e-bound-aries- is theire middle n-a(-i-)m-e- building a h-edge and e-dg-e- on every one just the s-a(-i-)m-e- which means you have to work against the time of competition they "make" on you as their "rake" on you, to even attempt to take p(L)ace, and many people are not equipped with the personal resources to make a matter of w/-h-i/t-e- on b-lac-k-

 

of course, doing s/owe, will find you without personall representation in the c/our/t which is o(w/-)n -l-ye- tu-b/e- c-our-t- ac-cording-l-ye-

 

anyway

 

i am looking forward to making my leather jacket and possibly a purse, i have been looking at patricia nash, and there is still the potential problem of me having a car space without a car to put in it, so while i now feel inclined to spend a little money on me, and that i can see to make me happy (when recently i couldn't justify "buying" anything) i may need to save for a car…

 

ps r-ich- isn't j0b, he is j-0-b-  effervescently placing miss fortune on e me "2" take and re-rake- as he p-l-ease-

the scene shippin g-i sn't really free, and -e/b- the re-t-urn-s-well-t- put f0-rt-h- f/ace-f-rone-t-ally-e-

why is it my problem that you-man- can't make a d i'm e 0n my reflection. with-holding my money earned, paul drinan, it to-p.r./e-ven-t-in-spec-t-i/on-e-w/e-dire-(re-)ct-i/on-e-

why is it my problem that you-man- can't make a. d.e's cent d~i'm e 0n my reflection. with-holding my money earned, paul drinan, it to-p.r./e-ven-t-in-spec-t-i/on-e-w/e-dire-(re-)ct-i/on-e-

12/30/15

you forget i have a job in your "reality" that defines my time for/t/h e. 2 jobs actually, today.

just an anecdote, this morning before i left for work, since it is cold and min0's heated carseat hasn't arrived, he is spending long days in my apartment, with a tarp on the rug, and a treat before i leave. today i asked him if he would like a bison tendon or a chicken breast chew, and i held both in each hand in front of him. he gently took the bison tendon in his mouth, and then gently took the chickent breast chew in his mouth all sowe, and then turned to go eat in the living area. i smirked and smiled inwardly at his demeanor, and said, 'good job, you want 2.'

p.r.0 verb i all the t i'm e'ye t (m)ake

1/1/16

'h'ap~p(e)y~e n~ew/(h)ea.r

i woke up at 5:04 without my alarm, thought i might get cracking on getting caught up and decluttering my desktop, felt like a nap would be more becoming, took min0 to the fields as it is 37 degrees and no wind, which is balmy by maine standards. min0 skippered on the partially frozen snow, i sunk following him t0 e ve(i)n t'h0 e. since i couldn't make myself commit to writing, i decided i could do something productive, so i did laundry, gave min0 a bath, brought the vacuum and glass cleaner down to parking level and cleaned my car on the inside, and realized i didn't bring my keyes with me to get back inside the building. waited, outside, holding a car mat i would like to rinse off, for about 10 minutes until someone arrived, thankful it was 'nice, balmy weather, by maine standards.'

puttered around, had an ancho chile burrito i made with a vat of black beans, and roasted corn, guacamole, and whole milk greek yogurt, & cheddhar cheese & sriracha. been feeling the desire for spice this whole past month. this will be my go to for the week at least, that and honey dew melon, cantaloupe, orange, apple, raw honey, and fresh lemon juice fruit salad.

remembered i wanted to fix my teeth myself and how to do it. the long tooth i have in front, as the one next to it was filed down to minimize the gap the fork tine, i mistaked for my salad, left. i got a price quote on it, for $200. i didn't like that price, and finally realized how i could do it... i had thought of buying and using a dremel tool myself, however, while i feel comfortable using it, i didn't think it was the right angle to apply it too myself. tonight, i used a small paint stick and 400 & 600 grit wet sandable sandpaper to file evenly applied. 10 applied minutes rendered noticably smooth results across the teeth, another 10 minutes to futz as i noticed a divit from a certain angle. teeth look sharp! and enamel was preserved. cost = 0 ne' 0n (e) my t i'm e.

den t a'll a/nd e name l i/n~g's

i purchased some items online, wool sweaters seem to be the most popular item for me this go' round. i purchased ballet pink. i don't have to keep it, i tell myself, because i do not like ballet pink, yet i feel the 'yen' for it so to speak. so i purchased it, with the intent to try it on and see, and if i don't like it i can retern it capable a.

i am eyeing a kate spade pompom winter hat in ballet pink and black, which i am not usually one to identify with the pert bows, stripes, and dots of the kate spade brand, however i really like the unusual winter hat color of a classic light pink and black, makes me think of parisian too the last.

so i am drawn to it, and i am thinking it is going to go on sale...and i will wait for t/hat~

fi le den t a'll a/nd e n~a.m.~e l i/n~g i/n st~('h')e/a.d. e t0/0 the t00 t 'h' eye. g. a i/n/n~s e/e n~0w/e fxf(t) 0/r t's~s aye i/n~g's a.m.e w/(h)a~r~ped's an e miss tar~r/y e

the plan is to get cracking tm e a/nd

"paul" -x- "drinan" thinks i am keeping secrets, when his whole co/n-d-i/t-i/on-e- is a l(-i-)e he can't see for himself on his own d-i'm-e- and bla"h"me's t/me for~t apparent ly e b/ein 0/ut a l in e' 0n e m(e)ye 0(w/)ne t i'm e. fa(i)r~e t(h)ink i/ng i/n k~i/n g app l(e)~ye d just fi/n e

"h"e-n-eve-r-e a.d. 0/0re t re a.d. c~las/s i c

12/29/15

jan 2, 2016

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2016/01/02/3735531/cosby-accuser-post

the "not-i/on-" of person all choice among -u-ye-men- without a.d.~dress assuming you to/g/ether/ed e/b t/hat a way e 0/n e fi/r st, is a crime. remember cosby doesnt respond to "nuances" and "inn-u-e/nd-0-e-s-" (he-a-de-fi/n-e-d-in-t-he-t-i'm-e-)

the way a woman dresses, and how the "man" ad-dress-aye-s-how much they may have had -2- d-rink too-the-sin-k-

person all choices 2 think & rig ht 0/n 0 w/rit e ll (e)ye th0u s e/e re a.d. a/nd ye d e/b t c/up d/r~in k f/r0m e/a.d. e in de pen den t all~y/e na.m.e L e pt 2 c as (t)0/w~e

On Oct 31, 2015, at 7:50 PM, Angela Cook <xubrnt@me.com> wrote:

something weird happened last night; something transferred.  i was in bed really feeling the depth of a bereavement. and i allowed my self to feel the full extent of pain loneliness isolation for-k-no-w/(h-)-e-re-as-on-e-  and i burned in my sleep, and then it turned to ice. solid.

 

i have a couple of things working on me or that i need to work out right now, r/ich and his ability to "c-/re-at-e-" larceny on my soul and sole, and andy-e- that is facing his demise he has s-owe-a.-r-n-ed- 

 

i am not trying to down play andy's journey, it sucks, stage 4 leukemia, factually though his though-t-'s and act-i-on's earned his disease. 

 

something happened last night and i feel stronger, more capable able ready, just present in my being. no more dinking around with things i might like to do, now i can see a way and to do it too. simple things like i ordered the leather, 200 dollars, i vacillated on the type, got more samples, did stitching tests to see if my machine will work with the needle and thread, looking at the color pliability and sheen, did i like it, did i want something different, could i conceptualize a different way to remake the coat for me.

 

and the comforter coverlet, that i wanted to quilt or pleat on bought books on manipulating fabric, i am more at the ready, to make this happen. i feel differently. i haven't thought all the way through, but i feel more at right to be in the market place marketing me.

 

today, i plan to borrow andy's car and move stuff from his house, etc. and reorganize my space/s in my apartment at the art room, at the salon. well see. in one aspect i just feel life is opening up. i want to ask andy if he is willing me the car, because i want to know. and if not, that is a bummer on one hand, on another i feel i will be ok, and can negotiate a car. i feel more direct, anxious and excited. 

 

i keep trying to retrace how i got there, how the burning infamy of "man's" disease transmuted into solid ice. i am at the very least more willing to be lea f i/n g i've~i/n/g re a.t/e l/l ye

 

wanting to rethink this too, quite naturally, am i sure? i can't remember how i got here, however just that something changed. i am happy and i don't know why.

 

i feel the need for sleep or for a want of sleep, and yet i can't actually sleep, i can't get to sleep. i am not tired. i am awake, things are different today. 

 

the reason i want to take the time to rethink is because i also saw a way thru, thru "rich"'s image for no reason "2" and that i can continue just bush whacking politically speaking. if i want too. not sure yet, just things have opened daye w/h up 

 

the reality, have plenty to move to day and to do. i am enjoying being in my thoughts though u/e 

 

i feel confident. i feel clear and conscious about what i want.

 

later this day: loaded items on ebay, called andy, he seemed drugged and out of it, asked him if he willed me his car, he asked for 'today' he kept avoiding the conversation either way. i don't care. i was trying to get a direct answer. and i still don't have one, except the waffling around the direct ion, so i think i will not be willed a car. fine.

 

kathy was there, and spoke with her about moving my stuff. made arrangements for tomorrow to use andy's car only during daylight hours and to be returned. a lot is changing, and i feel instability vulnerability and odd balance and strength and initiative. i want to get this move done. she said she will hire professionals for the bigger stuff. i don't think… i would like to be out, honestly. i will miss andy, and the fact is i all ready do, however, there is a work-able- gru-dg-e- between us and his family he constantly tells me how much he is thankful. 

 

i am not discounting their efforts, it is just, i am always on the outiside of giving AND receiving my value in my time on there-net-worth-. i feel i just need to get my stuff out of there. and a car, first rushed thought is to buy a cheap one, second is not.  i kinda feel andy is a real jerk, and the more separation by getting my stuff out of there conclusively the better. 

 

look, i get he "provided" for me, according to what he wanted o(w/-)n-l-ye- and it hasn't been a bad passing or sharing of time, all-things-considered-, it is just he is going to carry on giving on his own "time" and so am i/n~e.

so it is 3:20, cleaned the apartment, donated some stuff, did laundry, played frisbee with min0, yeah still looks like 60 this week, and loaded items on ebay. i need to go to the gym… i don't know what else to say, i am kind of fearful and kind of excited about making my way, concertedly.

still don't feel great about the marketplace supporting me, and my creations/ work / product, but i don't feel ungreat either. i am trying to think to be receptive in that way. 

and rich / the rr website, i'm kind of compressed with some earnest maneuvering in my immediate environment, perhaps i am thankful then to give 'it' a rest. 

the weather is changing, overcast and a little windy, makes me feel winter is near, and to 0 get ready e.

i am looking forward to getting better organized in my space / place and working in it, like the art room, haven't been all year, and i finally feel, i can work there, that i am not defending myself from perpetual attack. that is nice. perhaps i can create something nice out of that. 

about rich, not exactly the furthest thing from my mind, but close  to it, and i am ok with that. 

like b/ran-dishing-a-f-x-f-act-too the re lay t pre-t-t-ye- 

i feel like i need / want to talk / communicate, a lot going on, per andy and processing those emotions and looking back and knowing we can treat each other cruelly. and finessing getting my stuff out of his place to …  i'm anxious. and i am getting just a little bit strong and fit and well balanced, and a bit of a fighting spirit.  i don't know. a little anxious, gaining in energy, and anxious when & where to put it.

leather is on the way, and patricia nash purse ;) glad i finally figured out a purse i like at a price i want… and project time… 

On Nov 2, 2015, at 12:18 PM, Angela Cook <xubrnt@me.com> wrote:

i don't know why i am optimistic today. i am well rested. had wine late after noon, and i slept 4-6pm, and then was still tired and lethargic (a factor of dealing with repressed anger and lack of motivation) and decided i would ride my bike to the gym in the dark, but comfortable fall temperature, with a slight breeze, and i was happy i did as it invigorated me enough to just be, then went to whole foods on the way back, looking for something, and not really finding anything. i wanted something savory, yet the the chicken cilantro potstickers weren't on sale, so i kept looking, maybe kombucha? and i didn't want to spend $4. i ended up getting tapioca pudding. on sale, as it was something i thought about earlier in the day, and then i ate it, almost all, as i watched a rerun of 'undateable'

 

i didn't move my stuff at andy's b.c. i think i am dealing with fatigue via anger issues. i feel better now in the sense, i get "it" and consequently am less bothered by "it." what this means for me, is looking at the situation opportunistically, and perhaps i can get into the marketplace by setting up shop with my sewing machines… as an idea / i am glad i am at least open to exploring, rather than a resounding "no" defined by previous -e-x-per-i-en(d-)c-e- … and knowing i am not going to andy's funeral. 

 

andy's slight hand of generousity also veiled a sleight hand of me never facing my self with knowing wealth 0 holistically . when i lived with him and took art classes, and one class was drawing portraits, and i used myself as an in depth study / model, andy took occaision to squash t/hat by commenting i spend so much time looking at myself (albeit, i was looking at the paper infront of me, too look very carefully like my self apparently), when we went out to eat, i took a small drawing notebook with me and drew the scene, and people, and andy commented, that was (imp-lied-) such a drag on his benevolence lent to me, and when as late as a few months ago, we went to the beach, and that was good for the soul and timely summering in maine, and went to his family's lake house, he picked a fight with me to reclaim driving his car because he saw me thinking i.e. i wrote a note to me, which i often do, with or without him around apparently t0/0 x 2. 

 

he picked a nonsensical fight with me, to use his car the next day (we also planned to go to the lake or beach because of the superb weather forecast) so that he could visit his aunt vy and uncle fred "independently" -- this was right on the sight of me seeing me make a note to me// reach into my tiny hip purse, fumble for pen and paper, and make the note on the steering wheel as i drove the straight path on the route into portland.

 

he said he didn't care what i "wrote" on my website, conveying, he knows i have a place to put my thoughts, and he arrogantly asserts his sham-e- reality is more imp-o-rt-a-n(d)-t- fo-r-t-he-saying- "w/-hey-e-ing-" on (-e-) me with his apparent relativity -e-g-rating- 

 

so i have time off of work, beautiful hot day to look forward to, plans to be appropriately placed at the beach rather than stewing in a hot apartment, and andy fumbles them for -t- his -e-g0-tu-b-k-i/n-g- for-t-he-nose-re-as-on-e- 

 

he kept the car ever since, sent me many texts i didn't respond to, including that he "only has a little time left to live." really? i simply do not understand what that has to do with me in hi/s-is-n't-con-t-e-x-t- 

 

si-lent-too-t-he-t-up-w/-

 

he cost me money and opportunity as i couldn't follow thru on working at the b&b, etc. which he also "feels" unaccountable -2- too-the-re-p-ea.-l- = si-lent-b-e/st-e- & be-st-in-t-on-e-pre-miss-too-the-per-sue-t-all-ow-e-in-c-0/n-e-t-(h)-rue- 

 

i don't feel on unfriendly terms with him, i feel indifferent, as best i c/an~d be d/e ft w/(h)it~c h(and) 0/ne c/0 m/ma,nd e/b t~c/u/t as~s 0/(w/)n e

<Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 11.54.29 AM.png>

"he" doesn't have to be accountable too x 2 and his memory doesn't h/ave to serve him t(h)rue tu-b-e-t-a/b-us-e-

<Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 12.14.03 PM.png><Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 12.17.01 PM.png>

eye // i c0n re f~as h~i/0n e your un known e t/0 w/0 rt h t0 me w/(h)it appr0priate ly e in knit

we continue so/rt ing my desktop tm, on a new e p/age too the fxf all 0 w/e tu g~i've n (t)a~ll 0w/e